What the Future Holds

Dawson had been divorced for 9 years and available for 3.  He was a straightforward guy who insisted during our phone conversations that he was not the least bit interested in remarrying.  I have always considered straightforward as an attractive trait because I am not a game player.  It is wearying and a waste of time for me to play guessing games to get to know someone.  The first thing I noticed when he walked into the restaurant was that he  was very, very tall, a regular Goliath.  His facial hair, of which I wasn’t too fond, reminded me of Paul of the Peter, Paul and Mary trio from the sixties.

We seemed to hit it off, and I felt right at home with his laid back and forthright manner.  I noticed that he had little or no sense of humor, which was a little off putting, but realized that not everyone has the gift of wit.  He seemed more of an Abbott to my Costello.  I had to remind myself that there was no perfect guy out there.  Some people tend to need to grow on others.  He did have the gift of gab and I found our discussions to be lively and interesting.

After lunch, Dawson suggested we walk around town and look in the various shop windows.  The possessive way he took my hand, which was swallowed up in his large grasp, and his great height made me feel like a little girl walking beside an adult.  It felt a little daunting.  However, I wanted to give him a chance, since our time together had been pleasant.  At the end of our date, I asked him if he would like to go out on a second date.  He eagerly agreed.  We set up a date for the following week.  He commented that it seemed a long time to wait in between dates and had hoped to see me before then.  I explained to him that I had various appointments already in place and that was as soon as I could see him.  In truth, I wanted to think over our time together.  I felt a little unsettled about his limited sense of fun and the cut and dried way he had explained how he had promptly divorced his ex-wife.  He had bragged about being divorced within a month’s time.  I wondered whether he had taken the time to find out the reasons for her betrayal.

Eager Beaver

Our second date was comprised of meeting for lunch and visiting various historical landmarks and museums of my town.  Dawson became progressively forthcoming in showing affection and possession.  It made me increasingly uncomfortable, since my emotional and physical feelings did not seem to match his.  I felt he was good company, but I did not feel he was the special one.  Stopping before each exhibit, I felt his arm slithering like a snake around my shoulders and pulling me close.  Feeling anxious, I knew I had to nip this in the bud.  But, how to do it with minimal emotional distress?

As it was the weekend of St. Patrick’s Day, we ended up at a restaurant toasting the occasion with green beer.  I smiled at him, unaware of how much I affected him.  He informed me that he was anxious to travel and wanted a partner.  He explained that he was to visit a friend in another state and would like me to come with him, mentioning that I would have to share a bed with him.  He gazed at me with a determined and adoring look.  Enveloping my hands in his, he asked imploringly, “Can you tell me that we have a future together?”  I was nonplussed.  Suddenly pulling my hands from his and shaking my head, I replied, “I-I can’t tell you that.  I don’t know.”  He looked crestfallen.  Nevertheless, he asked for a third date.  Feeling guilty, I agreed.

I did not hear from Dawson for two days, which was unusual.  I sent a couple of texts to confirm our date.  Awaiting his confirmation of the details of our next date, guilt and a marked uneasiness pervaded me.  I felt as if I were walking on eggs.  What a mess I would have made of those eggs!  I knew that our little emotional sojourn soon had to end.  Finally, Dawson replied.  It was not what I expected.  He wrote to me that he would not pursue this relationship because there was so much distance between us.  He wished me well.  I did the same and added that I hoped he would find someone who was more emotionally available.  It was a great relief.  Oddly I also felt a little down, almost as if I had been stood up.

Fair and Balanced

I found Dawson to be pleasant company and an able conversationalist.   However, I felt neither physically nor emotionally connected to him from the start.  It would have been more prudent for me to have ended this acquaintance by the first meeting.  Because I had experienced numerous unsatisfactory introductions, I felt that perhaps I had been a bit harsh in my judgments toward past online potentials.  I had also given way to feelings of insecurity and loneliness.

From this experience, I have gained self-awareness in that I now know I must address these states.  Hopefully, it will lead to a greater understanding of how to create a balance of wisdom in which to fairly judge future dates.  Also, I must remain true to myself in what is realistically acceptable and what may not be so.  In a moment of weakness I decided to continue seeing Dawson, when in my heart I knew there could be no future.

Another self-discovery that came to light is that I was able to pinpoint what I truly need and desire from a forever commitment.  To genuinely connect with someone, we must be like-minded and share a similar infrastructure.  For me, this means the joy of sharing the warmth of hearth and home, going on vacation, enjoying family, giving one another emotional space, etc.  Above all, a desire to really get to know who we are and what we are to one another and savor the time we have together without rushing to meet bucket list deadlines.  The men I have been meeting assume without asking what I want out of a relationship.  They give me their agendas without asking me what is on mine.  They are in a rush to scoop me up and expect me to follow their needs and desires.  To me, that is no life at all.  I want to experience joy with my partner and relish the mutual warmth of people well loved.




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